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As starving Columbia students barricaded in Hamilton Hall were rescued this week by gallant NYPD just in time for graduation and summer in the Hamptons with mummy and daddy, protests sadly hit a snag in the South with good looking, happy, and well-dressed frat boys stepping up to protect Old Glory from the unwashed totally effective and reasonable mobs. It appears Marxist organizers who easily conquered the Ivy Leagues, have been unable to infiltrate the exclusive world of Southern Greek Life and have much work to do between now and the election. How can Democracy survive if the Star Spangled Banner still waves?

But other mostly peaceful stuff happened this week too! Read on for exclusive headlines that you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week – headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

  • Columbia Student Using iPhone To Order DoorDash Certain She’s Doing Communism Right @drconservativeprof
  • ‘Death To Israel’ Remains Sticking Point In Negotiations With Protesters @gfanson
  • J6 Rioters Kicking Themselves For Not Saying ‘Free Palestine’ To Avoid Prosecution @dontslowtheearth
  • Parents Encourage Daughter To Stay Safe At College By Hanging Around Frat Boys @buzzyboy
  • Treasury Mints New ‘Minus 25 Cents’ Biden Coin @showquest
  • Bragg Indicts Trump For Delivering Hush Pizza To Local FDNY @realmccoy
  • Biden Reminds Protestors That Violence Is Never Acceptable Unless It’s Helping Him Win An Election @disidente_redactico
  • Horror: Biden Losing Ground With Key Voters In Cemeteries @twoplus2ischicken
  • AOC Stares At Five Jars Of Mayo Wondering What To Do Next In Her Cinco De Mayo Celebration @fishythepenguin
  • Trump Reveals To Mark Hamill That He Is His Father @thebigfreeze
  • Noem Gnome Guaranteed To Keep Unruly Dogs Out Of Your Garden @neohillbilly
  • Biden Sends Teleprompter To Debate Trump @bbarton713
  • Mom’s Gray Hair Miraculously Disappears During Hair Appointment @kirgol
  • Third Leading Cause Of Death Now Being Boeing Whistleblower @anythingelse
  • Atheist Who Hates God Still Big Fan Of His Work @baberahamlincoln
  • Protesters Call For Ceasefire On Their Criminal Records @stankystankowicz

Sometimes, really great headlines don’t make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:

  • Man Given Emergency Transition Surgery After Hitting 5th Curb @slinky
  • Noem Staffer Sweating After Being Called ‘Untrainable’ @jswag
  • Columbia Offers Remote Graduation Ceremony For Students In Prison @skullcrazes
  • ‘The Economy Is Doing Well’ Says Yellen Into Camera While Swinging Gold Watch Back And Forth @anythingelse
  • Biden To Solve Wealth Gap By Eliminating Wealth @huh
  • Vatican Announces Catholics Driving In Atlanta To Be Granted Time Served In Purgatory @disidente_redactico
  • Husband Of Homeschooling Mom Pretty Excited About Teacher Appreciation Night @kattiewoodlawn
  • Archeologists Discover Paul’s Third Letter To the Corinthians Asking If Anyone Found A Pair Of His Sandals @unclecrumpty
  • Doctors Mystified As Dylan Mulvaney Tests Positive For Man Cold @drconservativeprof
  • Hallmark Creates Sympathy Cards To Send Parents Of Kids Accepted To Elite Colleges @ruthiej714

@BONUS – One randomly selected headline:

  • Biden Administration Takes Break Bussing In Illegal Aliens To Fly In Palestinian Terrorists @troy_t

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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