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Mainstream news has been a bit ho-hum this week – just the same ol’ same ol’ blah blah blah about a new Trump trial, bombs in the Middle East, more Ukraine funding and more antisemitism at Ivy League schools. The real excitement happened right here in the Babylon Bee subscriber forum, however, as beloved subscriber Pure_Teej ascended the golden staircase to become one of the few and proud subversive worker bee writers and is already churning out stellar headlines forever immortalized as published Bee articles. Teej (pictured below with other writers) joined the forum in August of 2019.

Known for his puns and off-beat funny headlines, he also started the wildly popular subscriber podcast ‘We The Beeple‘ with DrConservativeProf, and Kirgol – available only to subscribers. Congratulations to Pure_Teej!

As for other news, read on for exclusive, inclusive and not at all boring headlines that you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else says, for some reason.

Top Headlines of the Week – headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:

  • Biden Visits Top Democrat Voters At Casket Showroom @twoplus2ischicken
  • Family Adds ‘Unless WWIII Starts’ To Summer Vacation Plans @kirgol
  • Israel Sends Foreign Aid To Iran … At Mach 3 @littlejedi
  • BREAKING: Burning Man Celebration Moved To NYC @gfanson
  • Florida Deploys Alligators To Disperse Traffic-Blocking Protesters @babylonandonanon
  • Desperate Californians Airdrop Thomas Sowell Books Over Capital @drconservativeprof
  • Barabbas Kills Again After Release By Sanhedrin On No-Cash Bail @dontslowtheearth
  • Judge Orders Court Sketch Artist To Draw Trump With Old-Timey Villain Mustache @showquest
  • After Three Hours On The Ark, Noah Wished He’d Put Down More Newspaper @leecory
  • Congress Excited For You To Pay Your Fair Share Of The Share Europe Isn’t Paying @disidente_redactico
  • Elmo Quits Biden Campaign: ‘I Know A Puppet When I See One!’ @hamnetwall55
  • Small Tweak To Tax Code Has Taxpayers Filing Federal, State And Kiev Tax Filings @anythingelse
  • Adopted Dog Wonders If New Owners Know About Second Breakfast @surfduck
  • Title IX Now Identifies As EnTitled XY @realmccoy
  • Farmers Revealed To Be Poor People Who Eat Well @reckless4life
  • Bill Maher Breaks Personal Record By Reaching Obvious Conclusion Only 12 Years Late @oldhoss

Sometimes, really great headlines don’t make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:

  • Trump Judge Finally Finds Unbiased Jurors Among Coma Patients @showquest
  • Hasbro Announces ‘Ceasefire Battleship’ Where One Player Gets To Fire Missiles And The Other Gets To Be Accused Of Genocide @alola_rychu
  • Church Drummer Longs For Early Covid Days When He Wasn’t The Only One Confined To A Plexiglass Box @realmccoy
  • After Casually Asking Wife How The Baby Shower Went, Husband Now Willing To Pay Hush Money @webidtheefarewell
  • Dad Challenges Kids To Play ‘Zechariah Game’ – No Talking Until Mom Delivers Next Child And We Name Him John @jlerari
  • After Going Weeks Without A Solid Night’s Sleep, Noah Asks God, “Do We Really Need The Owls?” @paperboy75
  • Dad Of Preteen Son Considers Puberty Blockers As He’s Being Eaten Out Of House And Home @mikerow81
  • Toddler Scientists Warn Of ‘Hidden Vegetables’ In Dinner @jswag
  • New History Documentary Claims Hitler Was Only Trying To Secure Michigan @thebabylonbird
  • Family Plans Trial Run Of Apocalypse By Having Mom Leave For The Weekend @mrhero

BONUS – One randomly selected headline:

  • Dave Ramsey Evaluates Squatter Option For Young Couples @ruthiej714

Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments!

Cover photoshop by subscriber @Disidente_Redactico

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