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U.S. — In an alert to elected officials across the nation, unborn babies issued a statement warning that there might be dire consequences for the electoral chances of Republican candidates they are allowed to live.

“Be careful. If you save us from a bloody, painful death, you may face an uphill battle during your next reelection campaign,” said one spokesbaby speaking through a baby translator. “You should carefully consider the disastrous effect our being allowed to live could have on your political ambitions. We would never want to mess this up for you.”

Political consultants are urging Republican candidates to refrain from speaking up for innocent babies facing murder in the womb, as it’s a difficult and complicated issue that should be left for individuals to figure out for themselves. “If we let babies live, Republicans may not win the majority in Congress to pass a tax cut or whatever,” said one anonymous Republican candidate. “We’d better just let them die. It’s probably what they would want.”

When reached for comment, Trump thanked the unborn babies for courageously sacrificing themselves for Republican politics.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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