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U.S. — In a touching homage to Mother Earth, Americans elected to responsibly recycle two used presidential candidates for use in the upcoming election.

“Most old presidential candidates get tossed in the trash can to be sent to a landfill to slowly decompose until they’re forgotten and irrelevant. It’s time for a new way,” said environmental scientist Dr. Wayne Flerd. “We couldn’t be happier to see not one, but two former candidates being given new life despite being way past their expiration dates.”

Sources claim that if successful, this could lead to more recycling of other things, such as Congressmen, political theories, and movie franchises. “The possibilities are endless,” said Dr. Flerd.

“What? I’m not being recycled! What am I, a bottle?” yelled recycled presidential candidate Biden to a potted plant while waiting in line at Jeni’s Ice Cream. “You’d better take that back before I punch your face and use it as a monkeyboy blanket for my libberfezguzzit flermbludder! Where’s Jill?”

Trump, however, said he didn’t see any problem being a recycled candidate.

“We all love recycling, folks. No one recycles better than I do,” he said. “I’m a beautiful, fresh new Trump, more beautiful than ever before. It’s like resurrecting from the dead, like Jesus. Only Jesus took 3 days, and I would’ve resurrected much faster, much faster than 3 days folks, let me tell you.”

At publishing time, the FBI had reportedly also considered recycling January 6.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.

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