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NEW YORK, NY — Football fans were left confused and frustrated after news broke that new NFL rules will require opposing teams to just hug it out rather than engage in hitting, tackling, or playing football.

The new rules, officially approved and adopted by the league this week, will limit physical contact between opposing players to gentle, caring hugs in an effort to eliminate any risk of injury.

“This is the future of the game,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “It has been our mission for many years now to reduce the chances of our players suffering physical injuries. That long journey has now led us to this historic moment. Loving, compassionate hugs will now be the cornerstone of the National Football League.”

Early reactions from players were mixed. “I don’t know,” said Chiefs defensive tackle Chris Jones. “I got into football for the physicality, not for hugs. We’ll see how much it changes the game, I guess.” Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow, however, expressed support for the changes. “I’m all for it,” he said. “Now, whenever I get sacked, it’ll be nice to be gently laid down in someone’s warm embrace instead of being violently slammed to the ground by a 300-pound man. Maybe now I can make it through a season without getting hurt.”

At publishing time, despite disappointment expressed by fans nationwide, analysts predicted that every NFL player would now get to experience the same type of football Tom Brady enjoyed for so long, with minimal physical contact allowed.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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