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MADISON, WI — As he prepared to complete his lunch by enjoying a delicious chocolate chip cookie, a local man was profoundly thankful that American colonists fought the Revolutionary War so he didn’t have to call cookies “biscuits.”

Ned Burke, a journeyman plumber and lifelong cookie fan, expressed his tremendous gratitude for the sacrifice made by American revolutionaries over two centuries ago, as their fight for independence from the British Crown spared us all the unbearable burden of having to refer to cookies by another name.

“I can’t imagine living in a world where I have to call cookies ‘biscuits,'” Burke said. “Just think of how awful our lives would be. Cookies would be ‘biscuits.’ Elevators would be called ‘lifts.’ We’d be tossing our babies’ ‘nappies’ in the ‘dustbin’ and throwing bags of ‘crisps’ in the ‘boot’ of our cars! Thank you, Founding Fathers!”

According to Burke, the heroes of the Revolutionary War not only secured liberty for future generations of Americans but also safeguarded the proper names for desserts. “I owe my ability to enjoy cookies, not biscuits, to the brave men who fought for our freedom,” he declared, wiping away a tear as he took a bite of his cookie.

As Burke finished his dessert, he solemnly raised the final bite in salute to the American colonists, expressing relief that he could enjoy it without calling it a “biscuit,” providing yet another clear sign of American exceptionalism and proving that the fight for freedom extended beyond the battlefield and into the kitchen.

It’s a serious medical emergency: you’re minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.


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