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EL PASO, TX — Concerned servicemen protecting the southern U.S. border had his mind put at ease today, as a National Guardsman being trampled by migrants was glad to hear the country isn’t being invaded.

As he was being stampeded by a horde of rampaging foreign nationals, Private Cody Jones expressed relief when he was notified by a nearby mainstream media journalist that this was not an invasion.

“Oh, that’s good. At least it isn’t an invasion — OOOF,” he said as one migrant stomped on his face. “If this were an invasion — ARGH — I would really be worried about the — URGH — state of our country. But knowing that it’s just — AAACK — peaceful migrant refugees wanting to start a new life in America makes it — OWW — a lot better!”

The American people were alarmed after video footage circulated of a band of immigrants aggressively tearing through fencing and overrunning several National Guard troops while forcing their way into the country. Thankfully, the media was quick to let everyone know that this was not an invasion. “Totally not an invasion,” said one reporter. “It’s a massive horde of military-aged men from other countries forcibly entering the United States violently and without permission. Calling it an invasion would be racist and xenophobic. Are you racist and xenophobic?”

“No — AAARGH — of course not!” shouted Private Jones as his body disappeared underneath another wave of stampeding migrants. “Welcome — AAAH — to America — AAAAAAGGHHHH my pancreas!”

At publishing time, it had been announced that Private Jones was hospitalized and would face court martial for obstructing migrants.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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