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LOS ANGELES, CA — After fear of banana allergies caused communist pro-Palestine protestors at UCLA to scatter, the nation reported feeling slightly less worried about an eventual communist takeover of America.

“Don’t wanna speak too soon, but I think we’ll be ok,” said Darryl Smith, a non-communist American observing the story on the news. “After watching these scrawny little socialists run in terror from counter-protestors holding bananas, I’m beginning to think they might not have what it takes to take over the entire country.”

Experts have confirmed that if the United States faces a communist revolution originating from college campuses, the radicals will likely be able to be defeated with gluten, or perhaps a Nature Valley granola bar containing tree nuts. “We also found that excessive clapping triggers their anxiety disorders and causes them to hide under picnic tables,” said anticommunist expert Sam Thursten, who works at UCLA under an alias.

“I’m fairly certain we have nothing to worry about.”

At publishing time, protestors at Columbia had been dispersed by a nearby student eating a non-vegan breakfast burrito.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.


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