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U.S. — Despite initially voicing appreciation for students setting up anti-Israel protest camps on college campuses, President Joe Biden dropped his support for pro-Palestine protestors after realizing how bad their hair smells.

The organized encampments of college students expressing outrage over the Israel-Gaza conflict quickly gained a reputation for antisemitic sentiment and a total lack of proper hygiene, resulting in Biden publicly withdrawing his backing following a brief meeting with one such protestor.

“Not interested, folks,” Biden said after briefly embracing the protestor. “While I am very much in favor of people engaging in their right to dissent, I thought their hair would… I thought it would smell a lot like… like… not so much like… less like rotten garbage. I caught a whiff of that gal’s hair when I hugged her. I about fell over, but not because I tripped like other times. Reminded me of the time they changed my diaper the other day. Anyway…”

Secret Service agents quickly whisked Biden away while a White House staffer concluded the press briefing.

“The president remains supportive of peaceful protests,” the staffer told reporters. “Though the right to voice your opinion is a bedrock principle of this administration, so is having fresh-smelling hair. If these students want to receive the full support of President Biden, I suggest sending someone to the store for some Herbal Essences.”

At publishing time, Columbia University protestors had planned to win over Biden by giving out free ice cream sundaes, as long as there were no banana splits on the premises.

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.


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