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NEW YORK, NY — As jury selection continued in his upcoming criminal trial, former President Donald Trump’s legal team struggled to weed through the available jurors and voiced skepticism about the impartiality of Juror #6.

Though they were unable to put their fingers on it, Trump’s lawyers said there was something about Juror #6 that seemed “off” and made them suspicious of Trump being able to receive fair and impartial treatment.

“I could swear I’ve seen her somewhere before,” said Trump attorney Alina Habba. “Her name is listed as ‘Jill Sherry Climtom,’ but she just seems very familiar for some reason. I can’t say I’ve ever met her before, but there’s something in her eyes… something that makes her seem like the type of person who has had dozens of people killed. I don’t know. She’s sketchy.”

When asked for comment, Judge Juan Merchan did not foresee any problems with Juror #6. “More baseless suspicions from the Trump team,” he said. “This trial will proceed as scheduled, with Juror #6 playing an integral role in its outcome. She’s committed to seeing justice served and was very eager to sit on a jury in a trial of Donald Trump. Nothing unusual about it. And no one here at the courthouse had their lives threatened if they didn’t place her on the jury. Absolutely not.”

At publishing time, the judge had declined to comment on rumors that Juror #6 had already voted “guilty” despite the fact that the trial had not started yet.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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