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NEW YORK, NY — Former U.S. Senator and email expert Hilary Clinton issued a statement this week condemning Donald Trump for allegedly paying hush money to political liabilities instead of just killing them.

“How dumb do you have to be?” Clinton told reporters. “There’s an easy, tried-and-true method for dealing with people who make your life hard; just call my friend Guido and he takes care of it for you. Or, if you’re feeling up for an adventure, DIY!”

Hilary Clinton condemned political rival Donald Trump during the former president’s campaign finance trial this week for paying out money to keep detractors quiet instead of just offing them in a “kayak accident” or “donut-choking accident” or “four shotgun rounds to the back of the head accident.”

“Being a grandmother myself, I know how busy things can get with family and work life, the temptation to just pay money to make things go away can creep up,” Clinton continued. “But the only way to completely ensure those loose lips won’t sink your ship is to sink their paddle board if you get my drift…”

As of publishing time, Clinton had called her friend Guido to see if he could do anything about Trump

World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.


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