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HOUSTON, TX — The baseball world breathed a sigh of relief as notorious criminal Angel Hernandez was finally apprehended in Houston last night and charged with hundreds of egregious crimes against humanity.

“It’s all on video, bub,” said Officer Bill Stephens has he shoved Hernandez into the patrol car. “We’ve got seven horrific felonies on tape just tonight. It’s over, pal.”

An umpire since the 1990s, Angel Hernandez somehow eluded capture for decades while committing progressively more brazen crimes across dozens of states. Despite a massive public outcry over Hernadez’s vicious transgressions against all that is sacred and holy in this world, authorities remained a step behind Hernandez for years. Police repeatedly blamed Hernandez’s slipperiness on something called an “Umpire Union”.

After years on the lam, Hernandez was arrested at Minute Maid Park in Houston on Friday night after police received several calls reporting flagrant assaults and robberies. “Yes officer, assault and battery. He just won’t stop,” said one concerned citizen. “Three times in a row, to the same victim. I wouldn’t have believed it myself if I didn’t see it with my own eyes, Officer. Come quick!”

At publishing time, authorities warned that Hernandez had escaped prison and was planning another attack at Dodger Stadium this weekend.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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