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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. government has passed a new bill allowing for widespread surveillance of every American citizen — unless, of course, they happen to be carrying cocaine into the White House.

The legislation grants unprecedented powers to intelligence agencies to monitor the communications and activities of individuals across the country without obtaining a warrant. Despite pushback from citizens who believe the government ought to obtain a warrant to spy on it own citizens, lawmakers laughed heartily and passed it anyway. However, the bill does carve out an exception for anyone sneaking a little nose candy past the Secret Service and into the Oval Office.

“I don’t know what all the fuss is about,” asked a confused Hunter Biden. “Congress ensured we’re all free to get a quick bump to get our heads straight. What’s the big deal?”

American citizens on the other hand voiced their frustrations with the bill. “I work hard, I love my country, and I keep my nose clean,” said local man Zachary Levy. “But now I can’t complain about Biden, or the economy, but I repeat myself, in my own home without worrying about an FBI agent showing up to my door.”

At publishing time, President Biden responded to the backlash by announcing that he would ship a free Amazon Alexa to anyone upset by the law.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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