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LOS ANGELES, CA — Following the recent trend toward adding hot actors to every major film and television franchise, several Hollywood studios issued a joint press release to announce that Timothée Chalamet has been cast as Doctor Who, James Bond, Spider-Man, Ron Weasley, and Lara Croft.

The studio heads reportedly held a secret meeting last week to brainstorm ways to capitalize on the wave of popularity Chalamet has experienced by appearing in films like Wonka and the Dune franchise and successfully infuse the lead characters of their properties with delicate, feminine qualities.

“He’s the right guy to play every character,” said one studio CEO. “Why waste our time fighting to cast him in our movies when we can all just agree to put him in everything? The audience is all about seeing a charming-yet-completely-unthreatening personality embody their most beloved characters. Strong, tough, masculine leading men are a thing of the past. Long live Timothée Chalamet, the only actor we need from now on!”

Chalamet issued a brief statement in response to the news. “It’s truly an honor to appear in every movie,” he said. “When my career began, I thought playing iconic roles may be an unreachable goal, but here I am. Every one of these roles will really stretch me to my limits as an actor. Except for Lara Croft. That one’s a lot like playing myself.”

At publishing time, rumors swirled that Disney was on the verge of casting Chalamet as both Han Solo and Indiana Jones.

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