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U.S. — Despite all things football being on hold during the offseason, NFL referees showed their dedication to their jobs yesterday in preparing for next season by staring at the solar eclipse.

The officials said they wanted to be in top form when the season begins this fall, which meant staring intently at the harmful, unfiltered solar rays as they bombarded their eyes and caused irreversible damage.

“Don’t look away… don’t look away,” official Don Herman was heard muttering as he doggedly glared at the dangerous solar phenomenon. “If I’m going to perform at my best this coming season, I need to cause as much harm to my vision as possible. Man, this just feels wrong, but that means I’m doing it right. Ouch.”

The National Football League, which has maintained a proud tradition of featuring hopelessly blind referees for over a century, expressed approval of the officials’ initiative. “This is the offseason, so they could be relaxing,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “Instead, they’re putting in the work and showing how committed they are to their jobs by doing everything they can to impair their eyesight. This tells me we’re in for another great NFL season in the fall.”

The referees said the eclipse provided them with a rare opportunity. “Usually we have to spend the offseason poking ourselves in the eyes and spraying bleach in our faces,” Herman said. “The eclipse is much more efficient.”

At publishing time, Herman confirmed that the eclipse had done its job by driving on the wrong side of the road on his way home.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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