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EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND — The despondent ghost of one of the main leaders of the First War of Scottish Independence, William Wallace, was seen in the skies over Edinburgh on Wednesday apparently despairing over Scotland’s new hate speech law.

William Wallace didn’t say anything but simply stared across the country with a glassy-eyed look as though he were lost in thought about what Scotland could have been like if it were free and awesome.

According to experts, the medieval knight who carried the day at the Battle Of Stirling Bridge in 1297 made his appearance not only to show his displeasure at Scotland’s law that prohibits hurting trans people’s feelings on the internet but also to express the fact that he is extremely disappointed in Scotland for continuing to be ruled by the English.

“I was drawn and quartered for this?!” thought the ghost Guardian of Scotland. “J.K. Rowling is just pointing out that men are still men even if they put on a skirt.”

William then looked down at his kilt and realized that maybe he started all this and set a bad example for his future countrymen.

“It was the style at the time!” cried Sir William to himself.

At publishing time, the apparition of William Wallace retreated to a corner of the sky as though he just wanted to be left alone.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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