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As you may have seen in the news recently, there are some states that actually have laws that make it illegal for you to attempt to evict squatters living in your home. No one wants to run afoul of the law, so it’s worth considering what you can do in the event that you find people living in your house without your permission.

The Babylon Bee is here to provide the following list of ways you can handle squatters:

  1. Give them MAGA hats and call the police: You’ll be amazed at how quickly the authorities come rushing in to drag these dangerous insurrectionists to prison.
  2. Cancel all streaming services except for Paramount Plus: With nothing good to watch, they’ll leave on their own.
  3. Sit them down and read them John Locke’s philosophical case for lawful property ownership: Even squatters can listen to a sound, reasonable argument.
  4. Put on a sheet at night and make ghost sounds to make the house seem haunted: Squatters hate ghosts.
  5. Tell the squatters your mother-in-law is moving in: That’s scary enough to make you want to move out, too.
  6. Get word to Hillary Clinton that the squatters have dirt on her: People with dirt on Hillary tend to disappear. Just like magic!
  7. Replace all the Coca-Cola in the fridge with Faygo: Gross.
  8. Pay Don Lemon five dollars per day to come to your house and deliver non-stop news commentary with a megaphone: He’s probably looking for another job by now.
  9. Burn down your house: No house, no squatters. Problem solved!

Even if none of the tactics listed above work out, don’t worry. We’re sure the legal system will work this out for you eventually.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.


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