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U.S. — Alleged January 6 protesters have reportedly reached out to the White House, asking to no longer be called rioters or insurrectionists but rather “undocumented tourists.”

“I am sick of people using derogatory names to describe tourists like me,” said would-be insurrectionist Raymond Stone. “And all I did was take a bunch of selfies for my scrapbook. Didn’t even upset the velvet ropes set up in the Capitol rotunda.”

He added, “I am an undocumented tourist. How dare you say otherwise.”

The President has thus far dismissed the pleas of the January 6 participants, instead directing the DOJ to detain them for several years without trial until the Supreme Court makes him let them go.

“Come on, man!” said President Biden in a formal written statement released to the public.

Former President Donald Trump has voiced support for January 6 undocumented tourists. “This is a group of people who have been treated badly, very badly, by Sleepy Joe,” said Trump to reporters. “These are great Americans who were just looking for election asylum and they were treated very badly by this president. We need to use terms, good terms, much better terms to describe these incredible people who did absolutely nothing wrong. They are undocumented tourists, but they are so much more than that. They are really terrific people.”

At publishing time, a federal court briefly authorized the use of the term “undocumented tourists” before a higher court struck it down, renaming those involved in January 6 “violent Democracy killers.”

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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