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NEW YORK, NY — In a controversial conclusion to the “hush money” trial against him, President-elect Donald Trump was forced to appear in court electronically as presiding Judge Juan Merchan cruelly sentenced him to drink only Diet Pepsi from now on.

The shocking sentence was handed down this morning in a New York courtroom, with audible gasps being heard from the gallery when Judge Merchan informed Trump of his punishment. The president-elect defiantly voiced his opposition to the sentence immediately afterward.

“This whole trial, like Diet Pepsi, is a disgrace and an affront to all that is right,” Trump told reporters. “My entire life, I have been drinking Diet Coke, which, quite frankly, is God’s drink. It’s the greatest. Many people say so. So does Elon. You know Elon? We all love Elon, don’t we, folks? He drinks Diet Coke. Very smart guy. Like me. Now, this corrupt judge sentences me to drink only Diet Pepsi? This is a perfect example of how far our nation has fallen. We will vigorously appeal this decision and save me from drinking Diet Pepsi just like we’re going to save our great country.”

Trump’s attorney, Todd Blanche, reiterated the legal team’s stance that the trial was unjust. “It’s a clear case of judicial malpractice,” he told reporters. “Even if you believe that Donald Trump is guilty of these scurrilous charges, sentencing a human being to be limited to drinking Diet Pepsi is beyond the pale. We will fight this sentence. No one deserves this.”

At publishing time, Judge Merchan threatened to increase the punishment by forcing Trump to eat at Burger King.

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