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LOS ANGELOS, CA — In the wake of the flaming devastation of California, President Biden offered fire victims a comforting story of the time that he once ordered a steak medium but it was served well done.

Biden told the smoke-streaked, newly homeless Californians the destruction of their homes is just like the time that he was at an upstate restaurant but the chef got his order terribly, terribly wrong.

“Now look, Jack,” Biden explained, gazing at the crowd of huddled, hollow-eyed fire refugees. “One time, I was at a restaurant, you know, a restaurant, and I asked Jill to order my steak medium, just the way I like it. I can’t stand pink in my steak. So I told her, ‘Get it! You know…the way?’ But when they brought me the steak, it was all brown and I didn’t like it. It’s like how all of your homes are, well, you know. Anyway.”

Biden continued his story, revealing that everything had then gotten better after his wife took him to Dairy Queen for some ice cream to make up for the disappointment. He then paused for several FEMA workers to meander through the crowd, handing out free Dairy Queen coupons as partial compensation for the fire damage.

At publishing time, Biden had been shuffled off the stage as he launched into another story about how he had once been served Brussels sprouts instead of fries.

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