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An early Christmas present for the DOGE team had Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul (R) setting a new bar for grievances while lobbing zingers at both sides of the aisle with his annual Festivus Report.

In a tradition inspired by the comedic stylings of the late Jerry Stiller’s Frank Costanza on “Seinfeld,” the fiscally conservative lawmaker delivered “A Festivus for the rest of us!” decrying the egregious waste out of Washington, D.C.

This year, the “one-man [DOGE]” passed along a more than $1 trillion report to the co-chairs of the proposed Department of Government Efficiency, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, while also roasting the likes of former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), Senate Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY), Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) and “The Science™” himself, Dr. Anthony Fauci.

“It’s that time of year again. Happy Festivus! I’ve got a lot of problems with you people! And now, you’re gonna hear about it,” began Paul’s thread on X.

Within the 41-page report, the senator pointed out how “unsurprisingly” the debt had climbed past $36 trillion this year when it had been nearing $34 trillion at the end of 2023, and asked, “Who’s to blame for our crushing national debt?”

“Everybody,” he asserted. “This year, members of both political parties in Congress voted for massive spending bills, filled with subsidies for underperforming industries, continued military aid to Ukraine, and controversial climate initiatives. As Congress spends to reward its favored pet projects, the American taxpayers are forced to pay through high prices and crippling interest rates.”

“The same big spenders teamed up, yet again, to continue sending Americans’ hard-earned money to foreign countries, funding endless wars, all while STILL ignoring our wide-open southern border,” Paul went on before making particular note of “over $1 trillion in government waste, including things like ice-skating drag queens, a $12 Million Las Vegas pickleball complex, $4,840,082 on Ukrainian influencers, and more!”

With so much to cover like the State Department spending six figures to teach youth in Kyrgyzstan how to go viral and $10 billion on maintaining “almost entirely empty buildings,” the senator set his sights on Fauci first as accountability remained merely a hope.

“Though the House tried, he’s still walking around a free man,” wrote Paul. “Well, he’s got two new major problems for Christmas this year — I’m the incoming chairman of the Senate HSGAC committee, and I have subpoena power to force him to turn over everything he’s been hiding.”

“The power some of us will have must be used for good — like putting Fauci in jail,” he later added.

On McCarthy, he called out $30 million spent by the former speaker in an effort to oust conservatives who’d opposed his reign with the gavel, succeeding in only a single race while losing others by as much as 30 points, thus proving he was “as bad at running campaigns as he did the House.”

Paul promptly turned to House Speaker Mike Johnson (R-LA) who he suggested last year would get roasted, “As usual, I am right. I want to be the first to congratulate former @SpeakerJohnson, who will be gone before DC gets warm again.”

While others found highlights to gripe over in the senator’s report, like “Girl-Center Climate Action” and a new “Sesame Street” show for Iraqi kids under the bullet, “Big Bird Goes to Baghdad,” the lawmaker, who wasn’t shy about criticizing the advanced ages of his peers, ripped Schumer in direct response to getting prodded over a failed Social Security amendment that only got 3 votes.

“Well, Chuck, that’s 3 more people who won’t be sad when you’re no longer the leader in January,” said Paul.

With expectations running high that DOGE will fulfill or exceed a target goal of slashing $2 trillion from the federal budget, the senator asserted, “I was a one-man @DOGE before @DOGE was a gleam in the eyes of amped-up tech executives, and new media barons got behind the idea.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m VERY happy they’re here,” he stated, having passed along 2,000 pages of waste to Musk and Ramaswamy, before featuring highlights with a dig at Ernst whose squishy positions had been amplified by her temporary aversion to President-elect Donald Trump’s nominee for defense secretary, Pete Hegseth.

“Here are some of my favorites from this report, soon to become yours, @ElonMusk’s, @VivekGRamaswamy’s, AND @JONIERSNT’s,” said Paul. “Ok, maybe not hers. I don’t know who she thinks she’s kidding. She’s voted for every spending bill since she got here…”

Kevin Haggerty
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