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Mondelēz, the owners of the Oreo brand, never met money they didn’t want to grub, so of course they have licensed out their iconic brand for Christmas gifts. Any Christmas gifts.

Seriously. They don’t care. Based on past experience, “protecting the brand image” is clearly not in their vocabulary.

“Licensing fees?” Definitely in their vocabulary.

Being the resident Oreo expert (I did not seek greatness, but greatness found me) I felt an obligation to check out as many as I could find.

1. Oreo Ultimate Dunking Set

The box promises “Days of Dunking Fun!”

I thought this was an odd time span to highlight.

Days? Then what? Are they admitting up front that like 90% of Christmas gifts, the novelty wears off before Christmas break is over leaving you with a closet full of unwanted presents that some poor volunteer at Goodwill is going to have to sort through some day?

As for what’s included in the Ultimate Dunking Set, it’s everything you need to dunk an Oreo cookie. Also things you don’t.

Let’s take these one by one.

  • 6 Oreo Cookies.

I’ll concede that if you want to dunk Oreo cookies, you need Oreo cookies, otherwise you’re just sticking your fingers into a glass of milk and licking them while making mouth noises. Consider this a starter pack for the dunking curious.

At least they’re reasonably fresh, always a concern when dealing with gift packs that include food items.

I also admit that you do indeed need the glass, but I would bet that if you like dunking Oreo cookies, you probably already attended to that need some time ago having found plates to be problematic.

I imagine for those people who got their dinnerware sets at Big Lots and were missing the cups and glasses would welcome the gift of an actual glass mug having gotten by in years past by cupping their hands.

For the rest of us, we’ve managed to use whatever glass, cup, or mug we had, finding that the methods enabling the containment of a liquid in place had been perfected millennia ago and the additional requirements for dunking did not seem to require any great leap in glassware technology.

That aside, what you do get is a handsome-looking Oreo-branded mug.

I confirmed that the mug does indeed hold liquid and includes an open top through which dunking can commence.

  • Cookie Cage

Cookies in cages?! Where is the outrage?

Come to think of it, some Oreos are purportedly in made in Mexico…

I love the paper insert as a visual cue.

Like everything Oreo, it’s going to say Oreo on it, in this case, with the use of a raised surface. Pretty nice.

Still, what problem does this solve? Where to keep your cookies immediately prior to dunking? Plates and napkins have worked well enough before. I guess this allows you to carry both your cookies and your milk in one hand freeing up the other hand to… I guess hold the Cookie Tong!

  • Cookie Tong

This raises an interesting question.

Isn’t it “tongs?” I always thought it was tongs.

Or do they mean you literally get a Chinese gang member for all your Oreo dunking needs, because that would be kind of intriguing.

Okay, they probably meant the kitchen utensil.

In that case, isn’t dunking what fingers are for?

This is a tool looking for a problem. It would be like including a knife and fork in an Ultimate McDonald’s Fries Eating Set.

For the manic germaphobe, these would be an answer to a prayer, although I’m not sure how you are supposed to eat Oreos triple masked.

When I first noticed that the kit came with a napkin I thought, great, a branded Oreo cloth napkin, something you could reuse.

Nope. It’s a plain paper napkin.

One plain paper napkin.

And they thought it so important, as to list it right on the front as part of the set.

You know what you don’t get with the standard Oreo Dunking Set?

That’s right, a napkin, you ungrateful ingrate.

Time for a test run. Fortunately, the back of the box included detailed instructions on the proper use of equipment.

Thank goodness, too, because I might very well have tried to pour milk in the Cookie Cage and then dunked the napkin.

I think I got it right although I was a little concerned that I exceeded the capacity of the Cookie Cage.

Time to take this baby for a test run!

Okay, so it worked, in the sense that basic physics works.

I’ll note that the tongs are a bit flimsy so if you want to keep a tight grip on the Oreo, you might want to choke up on them.

I should point out that the Oreo Ultimate Dunking Set is the premium offering among Oreo dunking aids, king of the hill, head of the list, cream of the crop, top of the heap… theeeeeeese little town bluuuuues…

Oops, sorry, started going off on a bit of a tangent there.

There are lesser sets, such as the regular Oreo Dunk Set which I mentioned earlier, and other cookie dunking facilitators such as this little wonder that can hold two cookies at a time for more efficient dunking.

I then discovered it goes beyond that. Apparently, cookie dunking tools are indeed a thing, and at times end up looking like what you’d find in a dental supply catalogue.

Overall, this whole thing is of course ridiculous and actually creates work. It even requires some assembly and leaves you with additional things to clean, and yet it’s oddly fun, even humorous, intended less for practical use and more for silliness.

The world could use a little more silliness now and then.

2. Oreo Hot Cocoa Mix

“Made with real Oreo Cookie Pieces” was not particularly enticing to me particularly given the picture depicted Oreo flotsam floating about as if someone slipped with the dunking tongs and left the poor Oreo to its chocolaty grave.

Note that these came with hangers. Why? Am I supposed to decorate my Christmas tree with Oreo-branded hot chocolate envelopes?

Why yes, that is exactly one of the suggestions our friends at Frankford make!

These adorable packets are filled with the cozy comfort of rich cocoa and real OREO® cookie pieces and include a hang ribbon to make the perfect ornament or gift add on.

You never know, right? So I decided to try it out.

Huh, I guess sometimes you really do know.

I suppose this could be fun for kids looking for one addressed to them Christmas morning after which they could make a piping hot cup of Oreo flotsam. I mean Oreo Hot chocolate. That last one is what I meant.

I opened up one of the festive envelopes to find this bit of institutional food service joy.

Okay, so a little Wizard of Oz curtain pulling here, but what about what’s inside?

I carefully sifted through this. No Oreo bits. Some clumps of powder, but they fell apart as soon as you touched them, the whole thing having the consistency of coffee grounds. Fine with me, I didn’t need chunks of cookie in my hot chocolate.

It mixed together well enough and took on that dark hue of an Oreo. My son steamed some whole milk using his espresso maker. You can use water, but I wanted to give this a real shot at being good.

It was okay. The aroma was off-putting which my son likened to “second-hand vape aroma” (so glad he’s out of that middle school of his). As for flavor, it was sweet, creamy (helped by the steamed milk), and not unpleasant.

But it only hinted at being derived from an Oreo, with barely a notion of dark chocolate flavor.

I didn’t hate it, but you can always tell when they put 90% of their effort in the packaging (well, outer packaging) and marketing with the remainder going into the product.

Incidentally, earlier in the year I reviewed Oreo’s attempt to create an Oreo version of hot chocolate (the reverse of this) with similar success.

Fine as a once-a-year novelty item, but that’s about it.

3. Oreo Muffin

This one is a bit of a cheat on my part in that it’s not actually intended as a gift, it’s just something I picked off a snack table at a sporting event, and had no idea what I was going to do with it. I figured, if hot chocolate counts, this muffin can count.

This one is made by “Two Bite,” and frankly they made at least some effort to replicate an Oreo in muffin form.

I was frankly dreading this after my Freshley’s Oreo brownie experience, one of the few things I refused to finish. I still have that, in a bag, it long having turned into building material.

This muffin however was fine. It had more Oreo flavor than the hot cocoa, but that’s not saying much, however as a chocolate muffin with white creme bits (my son particularly liked those) it was fine and I enjoyed it.

4. Oreo Socks

I’ve complained in the past that certain Oreo extensions made no sense, like an Oreo version of hot chocolate mentioned above, so you might think trying to make an Oreo version of socks would put me over the edge.

That would be true only if these were edible. They are not. I assume.

Of course, this is a pure merch opportunity, and I have to concede I kind of have a thing for zany socks and own quite a few including a pair of argyle socks with little Space Invaders-inspired figures at the points.

Will I wear these?

Yes.

Will I wear these to work?

Yes.

Will I wear these to a funeral?

Did the deceased like Oreos?

I imagine these are for sale year round, but if you go looking for Oreo Christmas gift ideas, these will come up, so a contender, and not the only one. These were just my favorite, with great coloring and it turns out decently thick fabric.

And I don’t have to eat them.

5. Oreo Lip Balm

Spoiler alert: The socks taste more like an Oreo.

However, at least it’s appropriate to the season in large parts of the country.

There are basic Oreo-flavored lip balms offered in the classic lipstick-style case, but if you’re going to buy Oreo flavored lip balm, why go halfway? Embrace it!

First off, it looks like an Oreo, more than most of these gifts can claim.

Extra Stuf Oreo Thins, sure, but still an Oreo!

You even have to twist it to get to the inside, just like a real Oreo!

And that’s where the similarities end.

I double-checked with my son. It tasted like lip balm (of course) but it was obviously scented and that scent, while pleasant (we both liked it) smelled nothing like an Oreo.

It does, however, come with precise directions to ensure your safety.

I wonder what would happen if you applied it roughly and unevenly on your lips?

It’s not like they’re worried you’re going to try to try to eat it or rub it on you eyes!

Oh, right.

Surprisingly, the ingredients are very similar to an actual Oreo.

I’m kidding, of course. That’s just a cheap joke.

Mostly.

This is pure novelty, and as my son noted, this would be great for fifth graders or middle-school-aged girls.

I thought it was fun and appropriately silly. I just wished it actually smelled like an Oreo.

Summary 👇

Overall, these are all pretty amusing in one way or another and shouldn’t be taken too seriously, making them fun ides for a gift, and while it’s a little late for you to get these in time for Christmas, they’d be perfect for those after-Christmas gifts. You know the ones, like getting a Christmas card from someone December 24th right after you dropped them off your list, so you get them in the mail after and blame the post office.

That nephew of yours that hasn’t given you anything in twelve years springs a tie on you out of the blue? Just apologize that the Amazon strike messed things up and his gift is on the way!

You do take a size 6-12 in shoes, right?…

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