8 Reasons Congress Deserves Raises

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Is there any group of people that work harder than Congressmen? No. No there is not. And yet, these poor, industrious public servants often don’t get raises, sometimes for years.

Well, we’re compassionate for the less fortunate here at The Babylon Bee, so we’ve put together this list of the eight best reasons that members of Congress deserve a hefty raise right away:

It was a rough year for insider trading: It’s been a difficult time for many in Washington.
Ukraine kickbacks might be ending in a couple months: Congress should get a little raise to help them through these unprecedented times.
The costs of coke orgies are through the roof nowadays: A simple bump in pay will help Congressmen maintain their simple coke orgy lifestyle.
Their jobs are much harder than those lazy bums at the Supreme Court: Those people have time to star in Broadway productions, for goodness’ sake.
Some people (we don’t know who) passed insane spending bills that caused inflation: Whoever did this to us is terrible. But either way, Congress needs more money to survive in this economic crisis that some unknown culprits caused.
Their approval rating is probably super high: Raises should be tied to job performance, and it’s clear that Congress is doing a really good job performance.
If they don’t get raises, they’ll take bribes instead: A great point.
It costs, like, $45,000 to go to the movies now: Even lowly public servants like Congressmen should be able to afford the simple pleasures in life.

Are you convinced that the good people in Congress are getting cheated out of well-deserved raises? If you’re not, you should be. Call your representative now and demand he give himself a raise.

NOT SATIRE: Congress Unveils Sneaky Plan: Seize Your Savings, Pin It on Trump

The swamp creatures are hard at work!

With Trump back in the White House, Democrats and their trusty sidekicks — the RINOs (Republicans In Name Only) — have launched a new retirement plan: Your Savings, Their Pockets.

Their genius strategy?

Step 1: Block Trump’s cabinet picks.

Step 2: Scream “Democracy is dying” on cable news.

Step 3: Laugh while your 401(k) burns to the ground.

They’ve already set the stage with a system designed to keep your money exactly where they want it — trapped in their volatile markets, funding their bad ideas, and safely out of your hands.

But Trump threw a wrench in their master plan with one thing they hate most: a tax-free, penalty-free loophole that gives you a way out. It’s like garlic to these financial vampires. Of course, they’re plotting to close it. The RINOs are sharpening their pens, the Dems are crafting their media spins, and your savings are caught in the crossfire.

But there’s a way to shield yourself before it’s too late.

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