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Christmas is the best time of year and there’s no convincing me otherwise, but I swear I’m not coming to your Secret Santa or White Elephant gift exchange.

Unless …

In theory, a gift exchange with mixed company, like marital family or friends or work colleagues, is nice. A person can bring a nice giveaway that someone else receives by choice or at random. In practice, it sucks.

As a good and thoughtful person who loves the season so much it will make your mistletoe hurt, I would merrily attend a gift exchange with something really nice for a person to take home. But not everyone is like that. Some people just don’t have the Christmas spirit. It’s not their thing, which is their problem, not mine, and that’s how it should remain. I don’t want those people coming to a gift exchange and messing with my holly jolly. Invariably, they do. They show up with something thoughtless or cheap and I, or some other sucker, is supposed to accept it without complaining. Nope! Never again.

If you’re going to host a gift exchange, it better come with rules that ensure everyone who participates will leave with the proper level of cheer.

Don’t invite your humbug family members. They simply don’t have the joy to thoroughly commit. I don’t want to end up with their lazy contribution, invariably something like a heated blanket or a tchotchke that might as well go directly into the trash.

Don’t invite your stingy friends. They simply don’t have the sense of festive urgency required for a meaningful gift and are likely to instead contribute a thing that doesn’t even deserve the energy to be thrown out. It’s offensive.

That’s not to say you can’t have an exceedingly fine gift exchange on a low budget. But if you do, everyone should know. Set a minimum and a maximum expense. No one wants to give away a sophisticated blender and end up with a pair of Simpsons socks

If you’re invited to attend a gift exchange and there are no rules, ask the host for gift parameters. It’s not rude to seek important information. On the contrary, it’s rude to not provide guests with such guidelines in advance.

It’s absurd to think that I, in all of my yuletide glory, might spend $100 on a thoughtful present, only to leave such an event with a set of plastic coasters. I care what someone might get from me. If you’re invited, you should care, too; whether you like it or not.

Gift exchanges can be fun. But if you’re not going to ensure everyone leaves feeling nice — and nobody comes naughty — don’t invite me.

Eddie Scarry is the D.C. columnist at The Federalist and author of “Liberal Misery: How the Hateful Left Sucks Joy Out of Everything and Everyone.”