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WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Biden issued another controversial pardon for his son Hunter this week which exonerates him for “what he may or may not do tonight between 2:30 and 4:17 AM outside the Capitol Heights Applebee’s.”

“I hereby exempt by son from anything that may or may not occur at this very specific time behind the green dumpster outside Applebees,” said Biden to a bust of Teddy Roosevelt he mistook for a reporter. “And don’t bother checking or having cameras rolling. I’m sure nothing will happen worth getting on tape.”

Some members of Congress have expressed concern over the strangely specific terms of the pardon. Representative Thomas Massie quickly moved to have the president impeached but was talked out of it by colleagues who noted that the President had also just pardoned himself from all future impeachments.

Democrats have pointed out there’s nothing at all wrong with pardoning future crimes because they saw Minority Report once. “Tom Cruise was going to be arrested for a crime he hadn’t committed yet,” argued Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “If we can arrest people who haven’t done anything yet, logically we can also pardon them. That’s just basic science.”

House Speaker Mike Johnson met privately with congressional Republicans in an attempt to calm their nerves. “It’s probably just some weird sex crime,” Johnson said. “I wouldn’t worry about it.”

At publishing time, Biden had also issued a pardon for a drug dealer and three hookers for the exact same time and location.

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