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CORINTH — Paul, called by the will of God to be an apostle of Christ Jesus, reportedly left an Elf on the Shelf at the struggling church in Corinth where it can safely monitor everyone’s sins.

Church membership first became aware of the elf after receiving a letter from Paul rebuking them for errors he couldn’t possibly have learned of without divine revelation or an Elf on the Shelf.

“It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you,” Paul wrote in his letter, shocking the congregation as he hadn’t been to Corinth in months.

“How does he know?” an elder said under his breath as he read the letter aloud for the congregation. “Hey, wait a minute…”

At the direction of the elders, church deacons searched for the elf, which they found sitting on a shelf by the wine used for the Lord’s supper. It appeared frozen in time, its eyes watching in judgment. According to sources, they would have removed it immediately if not for a note explaining that the elf was named Jangle and that touching it would dispel its Christmas magic.

Though the note appeared to be written in Paul’s hand, the Corinthians were sure the elf was real and would report on their every misdeed. To keep the magic of Christmas intact, the eldership resolved to let the elf stay, saying they would rather not risk coal in their stocking just so they could keep getting drunk on communion wine.

“And it’ll be fun finding out where Jangle hides every day,” said Menahem, an elder. “Tee hee!”

At publishing time, the church was dismayed to learn that Sosthenes had secretly moved the elf and that the magic was not real.


There’s lots to be thankful for, libs!


Be thankful for these things!