The Gripe Report: A Very Special Post-Thanksgiving Edition

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Loosen that belt and relax, it’s time for a very special post-Thanksgiving edition of The Gripe Report!

I hope you had a great holiday. I know I did, but personally, I feel like the worst Thanksgiving is still better than the best New Year’s Eve (New Year’s Eve being without question the worst Holiday. New Year’s Day? Great). 

Have a gripe? Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

But my affinity for our nation’s finest holiday celebrating some folks with buckle hats growing corn will never stop me from having some gripes when it’s all said and done. 

The Staggering Drop-Off In Turkey Quality The Day After Thanksgiving

I don’t mean to brag, but my mom had herself a year to remember on the turkey front. I don’t know what was done differently, but both the smoked turkey my brother’s company gave him and the turkey breast my mother picked up as reinforcements — the Reigles are traditionally a white meat family — were dynamite.

It was juicy and flavorful and some of the best bird in recent Thanksgiving memory. 

I’ve got a Ziploc container full of it, but I’m a bit gun-shy about heating it up. 

Why? Because we all know that even the best Thanksgiving turkey on record takes a monumental step backward the next day. 

Now, I’m on record as one of the nation’s leading advocates for the Thanksgiving turkey sandwich, a melding together of leftovers that makes for a symphony of holiday flavors in one sandwich.

But the truth is, turkey needs that back-up from the likes of stuffing and cranberry sauce because it doesn’t reheat the best.

Some foods — your pastas, your Chinese food, your pizzas — are great when reanimated from their cryogenic stay in the fridge.

Turkey? Nope. 

I don’t know how it takes such a massive step backward. It becomes dry, and somehow the smell even changes. It goes from that delicious roasted turkey smell to an odor that makes you say, “What the hell? Did the dog just bust ass?” 

Fortunately, the stuffing and cranberry sauce are there to help address the funk situation, but that leftover turkey is never as good as the first round. 

We need science to address this.

People Being Wusses About Awkward Conversations With Family 

The biggest story this Thanksgiving that everyone was talking about was the prospect of political talk torpedoing a family get-together.

People were talking about it, USA Columnists were panicking about it, and I even saw multiple local news stories about how to handle it.

So, my question: when did we all become so room-temperature butter-soft about this kind of thing?

Believe me, I know it was a contentious election, and not everyone agrees on politics. But that’s been the case since the dawn of Thanksgiving time. I’m sure there were two Pilgrims who didn’t agree with how many houses they were building at Plymouth Rock or had differing takes on how one should wear a buckle on their hat, and yet they put those differences aside for an afternoon to crush some turkey with the Wampanoags.

I can’t figure out why this is so hard. If you’re having panic attacks over the prospect of a family member bringing up how much they like Trump or dropping a truth bomb about what a terrible candidate Kamala was, you need to pull yourself together.

Conversely, if you’re planning on showing up to Thanksgiving with guns a-blazin’, hell-bent on owning the libs — as fun as that can be — you’re also a douche.

For one day a year, just shut up, eat stuffing, and watch football.

Alright? Are we on the same page with this?

Good. God bless us, everyone…

Black Friday Not Being The Black Friday Of My Youth

Finally, I need to complain about the finale for all Thanksgiving festivities and that is Black Friday.

Look, I love getting a deal as much as anyone, but I don’t like that the mystique and danger of Black Friday is gone.

It’s not special anymore. I’ve been Black Friday shopping all week, and I did a big chunk of that shopping while lying in bed.

I’ll admit, I’m part of the problem. I miss when my parents would make me get up at 3 in the morning to stand outside Staples because printer ink was going to be cheaper than normal.

I miss lunatics sitting in camping chairs outside of Best Buy for a week because they were afraid if they didn’t do that they wouldn’t get a Blu-Ray player.

But most of all, I miss the threat of being trampled.

You don’t see that anymore on Black Friday, and it used to be a tradition like no other. Remember how people used to rush into Walmart like bulls through the streets of Pamplona to get their mitts on some Tickle-Me Elmos?

Now, you can sit on the toilet, click a few buttons, and that Tickle-Me Elmo is delivered straight to your door.

No trampling, whatsoever.

I’m not saying I like Black Friday tramplings, I just enjoyed the thrill of knowing they could happen. I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie that way.

Over the last few years, I’ve noticed that the old version of Black Friday is pretty much dead  — although it sounds like Taylor Swift may have brought it back a little bit; nice of her to do some good for humanity for once — I think that’s an abnormality in this post-Black Friday era we live in.

…

I hope you had a fantastic Thanksgiving, and we’ll be back to regularly scheduled Gripe Report programming.

In the meantime, feel free to send in all of your best gripes: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com