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We have MADE it, boys and girls. One of the best days of the year. Drinking from sun-up to sundown. Football from noon to midnight. Stuffing our fat, American faces with so many seed oils RFK would faint. 

It’s the best. I love Thanksgiving. An underrated holiday that has been completely taken over by Christmas nerds. Yuck. This day deserves respect, and that’s what I intend to give it for the next few minutes. 

Speaking of respect … it could very well go out the window in a few hours, depending on your situation. 

There is NOTHING more potentially combustible than a Thanksgiving house after an election. If you have family that ain’t all on the same team – and that’s pretty much all of us – then you could see some real fireworks today between the MAGAs and the Liberal Aunts. 

Seriously, it could be chaos. 

But, unlike the losers over at USA Today who don’t want us arguing on Thanksgiving, I say we embrace it. I want to see the fireworks. I want the chaos. I NEED it. Nothing fires me up more than a good political fight, especially after Donald J. Trump just secured 312 electoral votes earlier this month. 

This ain’t 2020, folks. Different ballgame.

So, in that vein, let’s rank these 32 NFL teams based on the most contentious topics that will inevitably come up today! You know, in case you needed any suggestions to break the ice. 

It’s Week 13 power rankings!

Tier 1: The election results tier 

1. Detroit Lions (LW: 1)

2. Buffalo Bills (2)

3. Philadelphia Eagles (7)

4. Kansas City Chiefs (3)

5. A bottle of wine at the Harris house today (NR)

I mean, this one’s an obvious one. You wanna fire up the Libs? Bring up the thing that still stings most. Donald Trump stuffing Kamala Harris and the Dems into a locker just a few short weeks ago and dismantling anything and everything along the way. 

It was great, and it BROKE the left. They are still reeling today, and I’d imagine your liberal Aunt Karen will be ready to rock and roll should you choose this path in a few hours. 

The Lions are the best team in the NFL by a pretty wide margin. What a unit. The Bills will probably clinch the AFC East by Sunday, inexplicably. The Eagles leapfrog the Ravens and get into this tier, even though their coach is insufferable. 

Chiefs are pretty mundane, but will inevitably win the Super Bowl in a few months. 

Tier 2: The *2020* election results tier 

6. Baltimore Ravens (6)

7. Minnesota Vikings (8)

8. Pittsburgh Steelers (5)

9. Green Bay Packers (12)

10. LA Chargers minus Quinton Johnston (9)

Bit of a curveball here, but it’s an extension of the last one. 

If you think talking about the most recent election results will fire them up, use Trump’s resounding win – and Kamala’s embarrassing loss – to poke holes in the 2020 results, too. 

“You sure it wasn’t rigged, Aunt Becky?” 

“You’re telling me Trump got the same amount of popular votes, but 10 million Democrats just didn’t vote this time around? Seems fishy, doesn’t it?”

“You do know they’re STILL counting votes in California, right?”

Take your pick, and watch the steam start to leak from their ears. Embrace the chaos!

Solid tier of teams here, although … are we sure the Steelers are actually good? (That’s a good way to anger a Pittsburgh fan today, too, for those wondering)

Vikings might be frauds, but at least they have Daniel Jones now. 

Quinton Johnston cost me hundreds of dollars on Monday. What a bum. 

Tier 3: The Israel-Palestine war tier 

11. Denver Broncos (14)*

12. Miami Dolphins, except in the cold or in primetime, which bodes well for tonight (19)*

13, Seattle Seahawks (17)*

14. Houston Texans (11)*

15. Washington Redskins (10)

16. Tampa Bay Bucs (20)

17. San Francisco 49ers (13)

18. Arizona Cardinals (15)

* feels like a team that will sneak into the playoffs and then lose by three touchdowns in the 4:25 Saturday game on wild card weekend

This is the one that could send everyone home early today. The one that could derail Thanksgiving for years to come. 

This one is especially true if you have a kid home from college with their woke boyfriend/girlfriend (or whatever the hell they choose to identify as on this day). Remember the loser Libs who protested on college campuses earlier this year in support of Palestine? 

Yeah, now imagine one of those wackos in your house today. Go get ’em!

Feel like all of these teams are essentially the same. All sneaky dangerous in the right setting, but none of them really a threat to go deeper than maybe the divisional round next month. 

Can’t wait to end my day by watching the Dolphins in primetime, in the cold! Wonder how that’ll go?

Tier 4: The Gender tier 

19. Atlanta Falcons (18)

20. LA Rams (16)

21. Cincinnati Bengals (22)

22. Nancy Mace! (NR)

Simple. Hang a “biological men and women ONLY” sign above your bathroom door as a joke, and watch them faint. Go, make it now, and then come back and read the rest!

Tier 5: The female reproductive rights tier 

23. Cleveland Browns but only with future HOFer Jameis Winston under center (33)

24. Indy Colts (23)

25. New Orleans Saints, (24)

26. Dallas Cowboys (28)

27. Cooper Rush’s wife, Lauryn (NR)

28. Carolina Panthers, who may have fixed Bryce Young (25)

29. Tennessee Titans, who may have fixed Will Levis (31)

30. Chicago Bears, who may have broken Caleb Williams (26)

31. New England Patriots (27)

32. Oakland Raiders (32)

33. Jacksonville Jaguars (34)

34. New York Jets, who are actually enlisting the help of a sports media company to find them their next head coach and GM (seriously) ((38))

35. Literally any other QB on the planet than Tommy DeVito (NR)

36. Danny DeVito (NR)

37. Danny DeVito in the new Jersey Mike’s commercials (NR)

38. New York Giants (37)

You wanna end the day with a bang? Bring up abortion. It’s the left’s favorite issue. Clearly, it doesn’t resonate, because we’re all sane, but the left thinks it’s a “hot topic,” so let it RIP. 

And make sure you let your woke cousin know that Donald Trump wants literally nothing to do with abortion, which is why he gave it back to the states. That’ll really get ’em fired up. Watch the stumbling and mumbling that comes after that. 

In the middle of the argument, pick up your kid and see if they notice the irony. Pro tip. 

Not much to say about these teams, because God, do they all STINK. At least the Browns have Jameis and a couple of the young QBs are starting to come around. That at least gives a few of these awful franchises hope. 

And then, of course, you have the Jets and Giants. Hilarious. 

Take us home, Lauryn! And Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.