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OXFORD, MS — The Thanksgiving week turned ugly for one local family, as a southern wife was arrested and booked on charges of failing to serve drinks in Mason jars to people visiting her home.

The unthinkable act allegedly occurred this afternoon at the home of David and Susan Jennings, where one member of a dinner party notified authorities that Susan had served beverages in non-Mason jar receptacles. Police responded quickly and took her into custody.

“We always try to act quickly in situations like this,” Gastonia Police Department spokesman Sgt. Brad Collins said. “Whenever we get a call that someone’s wife isn’t serving drinks in Mason jars, we take it very seriously. This is the South. A wife failing to uphold her basic, civic duty to put beverages in Mason jars will not be tolerated. We intend to hold Mrs. Jenning accountable to the fullest extent of the law.”

When reached for comment, David Jennings said he had warned his wife about this before. “I tried to tell her she was taking a big risk,” he said. “I kept saying, ‘Honey, you know you’re supposed to be putting everything in Mason jars,’ but she wouldn’t listen. It was only a matter of time before somebody reported her. I love her to death, but I hope this teaches her a lesson.”

At publishing time, police were considering additional charges after learning from other witnesses that Mrs. Jennings had been heard saying she was “going to” do something instead of using the proper southern term “fixing to.”

There’s lots to be thankful for, libs!


Be thankful for these things!