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No, PETA — oh, dear Lord, no. This time, you’ve really gone and done it.

Each year, PETA takes to social media to try and scare people — sometimes literally, but I’ll return to that thought momentarily — out of eating that delicious roasted or deep-fried Thanksgiving turkey. For whatever reason, alternative meats like ham, duck, or lobster never enjoy the same attention. Maybe our PETA friends love eating lobster.

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Whatever the case, this year’s scare tactic is that Butterball workers have been, um, molesting the turkeys.

A new video on PETA’s Instagram page features an “undercover investigator” who claims that people “just don’t know what happens to the birds before they end up in the meat case.” What happens, according to the anonymous investigator, is stuff you don’t want to know about. I’ll just say that workers were stuffing the birds with something other than cornbread and celery. 

There’s just one problem. The video is two decades old, and Butterball, according to a statement made to the New York Sun, “was taken prior to Butterball becoming a private company and prior to our engagement and certification through American Humane.”

If you’re eating a Butterball turkey that you picked up at Kroger in 2004, you have bigger worries about that bird than what some prankster workers might have done to it. 

Nevertheless, the big brains at PETA still came up with this idea and thought it was a good idea to tweet it:

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My favorite part might be that, even though the turkey-stuffing couple is supposed to be evil, they’re still positively intersectional. PETA just can’t help themselves.

In all fairness to PETA, no organization dedicated to overcoming human nutritional needs and even basic biology probably doesn’t “get” people all that well. That handicap certainly shows in the group’s messaging, which can be comically out of sync with the actual message.

And Another Thing: I have no problem with individual vegetarians — your plate, your choice, my friend. It’s groups dedicated to taking away my choices that deserve constant and unforgiving mockery.

Last year’s Thanksgiving message was among PETA’s worst:

You see an image like that one, and your first thought — if you have any survival instinct whatsoever — had better be, “I’d better eat those nasty SOBs before they eat the children!”

You’ve got to hand it to Community Notes for yet another win: “Turkeys are not vegetarians. Turkeys eat mice, lizards, frogs, and just about anything they can fit in their mouth. If turkeys were larger or had the technological means to farm and eat humans, their current diet reveals they likely would.”

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One more? One more:

Sometimes, you just want to grab PETA by the lapels, give them a good, sturdy shake, and remind them, “We’re OMNIVORES, you fool!” But then you wonder what you might get on you and drop the whole idea. 

Recommended: Allow Me to Enlighten You About Your Social Media Problem, Prole

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