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BEVERLY HILLS, CA — Comedian and former longtime Tonight Show host Jay Leno, who fell 60 feet down a hill last weekend, was expected to make a full recovery until he was attacked by an angry chihuahua that made him step on a rake, which knocked him into the street where he was hit by an OmniTrans bus.

Leno was said to be in good spirits after the accident, which continued a trend of horrifying incidents that he has endured in recent years.

“Eh, what are you going to do?” Leno said as his usual upbeat self. “The dog wasn’t a big deal. I like dogs, but he seemed to be a little bit angry, so then I stepped back onto a rake that swung up and whacked me out into the street. I probably would’ve been fine if it weren’t for the bus. It went right over me. Boom. Boom. Two giant wheels, right over my esophagus. These things happen.”

Paramedics rushed the comedian to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he was initially pronounced dead but later came to while being zipped up in a body bag.

“What is this? A ziplock bag? I’m not leftovers!” Leno reportedly quipped, causing a nurse to faint while other hospital personnel burst into laughter. “Only in America will they throw you in a doggy bag as if God needs to take you to go. Goodnight, folks, you’ve been a wonderful audience!”

At publishing time, Jay Leno had suffered further injuries before leaving the hospital, as his wheelchair brakes malfunctioned, causing him to roll down several flights of stairs before landing on a gurney, being mistakenly taken in for surgery, and having his spleen removed.

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