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LONDON — A pair of post-menopausal lesbians announced they had fled the United States over concerns about forced pregnancies. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi revealed that they had taken refuge in the serene English countryside where they could be free from being forced to carry babies to term.

“No one’s forcing me to have a baby,” Ellen said of her decision to leave the United States. “Okay, sure, I can’t have one for biological reasons — and I’m a lesbian — but still. Hands off my uterus, Trump.”

England, known for having stricter abortion laws than DeGeneres and Rossi’s former home of California, had already helped make them feel safe because J.K. Rowling making Dumbledore gay has made everyone so understanding.

“I say, isn’t that the Ellen chap from the tele?” local Englishman Theo Underhill was overheard asking his manservant as he spotted the lesbians out for a stroll. “By Jove, I believe it is! Can’t get pregnant, you know. Lesbians, that is.”

Portia de Rossi said it was hard to leave California as an actress who isn’t getting any more work, but it was all worth it. “I’m just glad no one will force us to be pregnant ever again,” she said. “Which is good, even though it’s impossible.”

At publishing time, Degeneres and de Rossi’s relationship was called into question for other reasons, including the fact that most people assumed Ellen was a ten-year-old boy whose middle-aged mother was being very inappropriate with him.

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