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WASHINTON, D.C. — Multiple Republican senators and representatives expressed worry that adding trans members to Congress would make their monthly coke orgies more awkward.

The prospect of having to invite newly elected trans members of the legislature to the time-honored coke orgy gatherings reportedly raised serious concerns from various long-time politicians.

“We feel the presence of a biological man pretending to be a woman might make our cocaine-fueled sex parties a little uncomfortable,” Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters. “This beloved tradition is a mainstay of the Republican Party and we don’t want our hallowed customs ruined by any supposed ‘women.’ What on earth does that word even mean, anyway? ‘Woman.’ Sounds made up.”

Congressional Republicans decried the election of Sarah McBride from Delaware, a man who says he’s a woman, and said they don’t believe such a person should be allowed to hold office. They also asked for more federal funding for their weekend team-building activities, which include attending baseball games, working in local soup kitchens, and holding massive cocaine orgies at the homes of prominent Republican donors.

“I know we aren’t supposed to talk about these parties because some people might take issue with them but I think we should embrace our proud heritage,” Senator Lindsey Graham told the press. “These parties are mostly wholesome with a little coke and orgies on the side. We definitely don’t want this dude in a dress coming in and ruining the vibe.”

At publishing time, the GOP also spoke out against allowing men in women’s bathrooms as that’s where they go to flush incriminating documents down the toilets.

DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions


Here are the top 10 most useless positions that they’ll target