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Heterosexual men of Twitter, we come to you this morning bearing tragic news. 

The object of our undying affection, devotion, and impure thoughts — our Venus in a clamshell if you will — has declared that she will no longer be having sexual relations with any men in retaliation for Donald Trump being elected President.

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Are we referring to Charlize Theron? Scarlett Johansson? Margot Robbie? No, this is far worse. The latest woman to join the 4B Sisterhood and declare herself off-limits to any man is none other than … Whoopi Goldberg. 

[record scratches]

Wait, what? 

Yes, it’s true. Darling Whoopi has called no joy, fellas. 

Of course, Goldberg is not just THE sex symbol for the 21st century because of her Jabba the Hutt-like physique and countenance, she is also a deep repository of intellectual thought, like saying Pete Hegseth is a ‘weekend talk show host’ and that Trump is going to ‘break up interracial marriages.’ 

And now she’s closed for business. 

The sound you just heard was male libidos across America (and Ted Danson) breathing a sigh of relief. 

We were unable to locate or confirm answers to either of those questions because, frankly, we didn’t want to look.

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Trump isn’t even sworn in yet and already, it’s morning in America again. 

We’re sitting here wondering if we could go ahead and vote for Trump again. 

Whoopi wasn’t alone either. Another feminist icon of the left announced that she would be joining the movement. 

HAHAHAHA. Where are Mark Cuban’s Rachel Maddow glasses? 

Sad but true. And we can’t even try to change her stance with the Jedi mind trick. 

Patrick Swayze was once told that there might be a sequel to Ghost with another sex scene and he took the easy way out. 

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Ouch! But also … yes. 

As the saying goes, ‘And nothing of value was lost.’

Especially not Timothy Dalton. (Look it up.)

They do not exist. Certainly not being celibate because someone was elected President. 

The irony of feminists — who will never stop lecturing people about being ‘objectified’ — declaring that sex is purely transactional in nature is thicker than Goldberg’s fat folds. 

And that irony is completely lost on them. 

As is this:

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Pardon the pun, but … ‘whoops.’

Ultimately, the response from men across America was fairly universal: 

If Goldberg could put it in writing that she would never again have sex with men — and have it notarized — that might be even better. 

But enjoy your ‘sex strike,’ Whoopi. We’ll be over here thanking God for small favors as Donald Trump racks up even more wins for his second term.