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Several late-night “comedy” hosts cried their poor little hearts out after President-elect Donald Trump won reelection on Tuesday, starting with Jimmy Kimmel.

“We chose the criminal,” he began his monologue Wednesday night saying as he shook with emotion. “More than half of this country voted for the criminal who is planning to pardon himself for his crimes. I guess this election wasn’t rigged.”

“It was a terrible night for women, for children, for the hundreds of thousands of hard-working immigrants who make this country go, for health care, for our climate, for science, for journalism, for justice, for free speech,” he added.

Listen to some of what he said below:

He wasn’t done.

“It was a terrible night for poor people, for the middle class, for seniors who rely on Social Security, for our allies in Ukraine, for NATO and democracy and decency,” he continued. “And it was a terrible night for everyone who voted against him. And guess what? It was a bad night for everyone who voted for him too. You just don’t realize it yet.”

“We’ve been through this once before, and yes, this time, it is probably going to be worse, maybe a lot worse. But I also think that maybe we will look back and realize that in the long run, this is what we needed to wake us up. Maybe the people who care so much about him need to find out how little he cares about them,” he added.

The irony is that it’s this very self-assured elitism — this belief that the poor are too stupid to know what’s best for themselves and their families — that cost Democrats the election.

But Kimmel wasn’t done crying and moaning. He also just had to take a shot at Twitter/X owner Elon Musk.

“It was a really good night for Putin and for polio and for lovable billionaires like Elon Musk, and the bros up in Silicon Valley, and all the wriggling brain worms who sold what was left of their souls to bow down to Donald Trump,” he said, resentment dripping from his chapped lips.

Meanwhile, late-night host Seth Meyers couldn’t resist fear-mongering about Trump’s agenda with exaggeration and hyperbole:

(Video Credit: Seth Meyers)

“Donald Trump has been very clear about what he will do when he returns to power: military style roundups of migrants, using the power of the state to crush his opponents and pursue his grievances, eliminating the Department of Education, letting climate change run rampant, spreading conspiracy theories about health care and vaccines,” Meyers whined. “He said he would be a dictator on day one.”

Meyers continued by promising to still bring joy to his viewers no matter what happens going forward. But he couldn’t resist also taking a few more unnecessary shots at his future president.

“We’re not gonna let anything take that joy away, even when we’re not talking about things that are particularly joyful,” he said. “For example, here’s something: I don’t think Donald Trump’s a good person. I’d even go so far as to say he’s a bad person.”

“Now, in my defense, I’m only basing that on everything I’ve ever been taught about what makes someone good or bad. That’s it. That’s the only thing I’m basing it on,” he added.

Then there’s late show host Stephen Colbert. He was full of sadness and despair on Wednesday’s episode:

(Video Credit: Stephen Colbert)

“Hey there, how you doing?” he began in his opener above. “If you watch this show regularly, I’m guessing you’re not doing great. Yeah, me neither.”

“Well, f–k, it happened again,” he added in the monologue below. “After a bizarre and vicious campaign fueled by a desperate need not to go to jail, Donald Trump has won the 2024 election. The deep shock and sense of loss is enormous.”

“All day yesterday I was walking around proudly wearing my ‘I Voted’ sticker. Today, I wore my ‘I am questioning my fundamental belief in the good of humanity’ sticker,” he continued.

(Video Credit: Stephen Colbert)

Next is interim Daily Show host Desi Lydic.

In a monologue Wednesday, she called Trump “the worst man in the  whole country” and claimed his victory is a “waking nightmare.”

“It’s official, America has elected its first criminal president before electing its first female president,” she said. “Donald Trump is holding up a mirror to the American people, and it might be time to take a good, hard f–king look.”

Listen:

And last up is late host Jimmy Fallon.

“America got back together with its crazy ex and elected Donald Trump as the 47th president of the United States,” he said. “No matter who you voted for, I think we can all agree it’s going to be a rough Thanksgiving.”

Vivek Saxena
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