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Though many Americans are worried about the security of America’s electoral processes our elections are and always have been completely secure and reliable.

To provide peace of mind, The Babylon Bee put together the following list of absolute proofs to show just how well U.S. elections are guarded.

  1. The government runs them: Just relax — everything the government touches runs just fine.

  2. CNN says so: Are you one of those kooky conspiracy theorists who doesn’t trust CNN?

  3. If you don’t think our elections are secure, you’re an election denier: You know who else denied elections? Hitler.

  4. It would be as hard to hack the voting system as it would be to bring cocaine into the White House: That’s basically impossible.

  5. No political party would ever try to rig an election: Because cheaters never win.

  6. Democrats have shot down every measure attempting to secure our elections since they were already so secure: See? Clear evidence that there’s nothing to worry about.

  7. Trump has promised to inspect every ballot himself: He even said he’d add the secret ingredient — love.

  8. Ballots are filled out in ink, and you can’t erase ink: Checkmate.

  9. They gave you an ‘I Voted’ sticker: No one can obtain these stickers unless all elections are completely secure.

As you can see from the list above, there’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Just sit back, take it easy, and wait for that 3 A.M. dump of ballots that will decide the election.

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