Christen & Jared Goff Do 'Talladega Nights,' Lizzo Embraces

We support our Publishers and Content Creators. You can view this story on their website by CLICKING HERE.

Happy Halloween, Nightcaps fam!

OK OK, we’re two days early. But if white women in their 20s get a whole birthday week, then I see no issue with a week to celebrate the spookiest holiday of the year as well.

After all, New York Yankees fans have been living their nightmare for the past four days already. Down 0-3 in the World Series with a $300 million+ payroll is a tough look. But hey, Yankees fans, it could be worse.

You could be this guy:

I joke, but I’m actually on your side, Yankees fans. The Dodgers are my least favorite team in all of sports. My deep-seated disdain dates back to 10 years ago when I covered the Diamondbacks for MLB.com for a few seasons and had to work with those a-holes from LA on a regular basis. Not only was almost everyone on that team crass and unprofessional, but they also peed in the Chase Field swimming pool.

And for that, I will never forgive them. Even if it is an entirely different roster. They can rot in h̶e̶l̶l̶ California (same thing).

But they are probably going to win the World Series, and that’s unfortunate.

Anywho, let’s move on to our special Halloween preview edition of Nightcaps, shall we? Gather round, guys and ghouls, it’s Nightcaps time!

Shake & Bake: Christen & Jared Goff Do ‘Talladega Nights’

If you ain’t first, you’re last. And the Detroit Lions are currently first in the NFC North — which gives quarterback Jared Goff free rein to dress up for Halloween.

What are you talking about, Amber? You don’t have to be good at football to dress up for Halloween.

But yes, dear friends. I regret to inform you that, in fact, you do. If you’re an NFL player, anyway.

Because if a professional athlete is playing poorly or his team is losing, he cannot be caught in public doing anything fun. The bitter social media trolls are waiting under the bridge, and they are ready to pounce.

Hey you (expletive) loser! Put less effort into dressing up for Halloween and more effort into practicing! Maybe if you spent as much time in the playbook as you spent on that costume, we wouldn’t be such an embarrassment on prime time!

Anthony Richardson and Tyrique Stevenson, for example, are probably better off being quiet for Halloween this year. Look, I don’t make the rules. That’s just how these things go.

Jared Goff, on the other hand, stays winning. The Lions are good, and his wife Christen is stunning.

So after the Lions boat raced the Tennessee Titans, 52-14, on Sunday, Jared and Christen celebrated Halloween as Ricky and Carley Bobby.

Christen posted a video of the costumes on her TikTok account.

Jared in the background, like, “Oh Lord, she’s making another TikTok.”

Speaking of couple’s costumes, I got a last-minute invite to the big boss’s Halloween party this past weekend, so I had to come up with something for my husband and me — and fast.

My husband doesn’t really get into the holidays too much. That’s not to say he’s a Scrooge or anything. He just doesn’t go all-out with costumes and decorations. So I texted a couple of friends, “Hey, need a costume for Mike and me. Has to be as simple as possible on his end and not slutty on my end. Go!”

My friend Chase had the perfect idea: Mike should go as Billy Corgan and me, a pumpkin.

I loved it. Subtle sexual innuendo, but not enough to make my co-workers uncomfortable. And more importantly, we could pull it off quickly and with minimal effort. It helps that my husband and Billy Corgan already have the same haircut.

Absolutely zero people got it without having it explained to them, but that’s OK. Everyone gets a participation trophy these days anyway, and I’ll happily accept ours.

Speaking of couples’ Halloween costumes, though, this one might be my favorite of 2024:

Jenna Ortega: Stop Bullying The Wednesday Dolls

Jenna Ortega has made her feelings known about a viral trend that has TikTokers messing with Wednesday Addams dolls to make them appear bald. Jenna, of course, stars as Wendnesday in the Netflix horror-comedy series named after her character.

It all started about a month ago when one TikTok creator realized that he could flip the hair on a plush doll at Five Below and quickly transform young Wednesday Addams into a 55-year-old balding man.

So then everyone started doing it!

To the point where the stores started hanging signs on the displays, threatening to kick out any customers caught flipping Wednesday’s hair.

The Fun Police were here.

(TikTok: @juneiswack)

It’s truly remarkable the dumb stuff that goes viral on TikTok.

Anyway, Wednesday herself was not amused by any of this. So she commented on one of the videos, “Please don’t.”

(TikTok: @juneiswack)

Honestly, this was such a missed marketing opportunity for Jenna and for Netflix. Instead of going full party pooper on someone’s comments section, the actress should have made a video (in full Wednesday character) suggesting some sort of bad voodoo to anyone who disrespected her doll — therefore bringing more attention to the upcoming Season 2 of her Netflix show.

And this boring chick thought she was better than the show’s writers? Sheesh.

Lizzo Embraces ‘South Park’ Joke

So let’s move on to someone who actually did take advantage of an opportunity right in front of them.

You may remember in May that South Park dropped an epic special called “The End of Obesity.” To recap, the women of South Park (and Randy Marsh) all become obsessed with injectable weight-loss medications, like Ozempic, Wegovy and Mounjaro. But without the help of insurance, the drugs are wildly expensive. So the poorer people of the town, like Eric Cartman and Sharon Marsh, are prescribed a much more affordable option: Lizzo.

The special featured a spoof pharmaceutical ad for the “Lizzo” drug, which gives you a dose of “body positivity” instead of making you skinny.

“FDA-approved Lizzo makes you feel good about your weight, and it costs 90% less than Ozempic,” the voiceover declares. “In case studies, 70% of patients on Lizzo no longer care how much they weigh. Lizzo helps you eat everything you want and keep physical activity to a minimum.”

Lizzo filmed a live reaction to the episode shortly after it aired:

But maybe being mercilessly mocked by Trey Parker and Matt Stone was just the kick in the pants she needed. Because in the months since the special aired, the star has undergone a weight-loss transformation. She said she’s been focused on strength training and eating in a calorie deficit, and while it’s unclear exactly how many pounds she’s lost, there’s a huge difference in the before and after.

Yes, she’s still a self-proclaimed “big girl,” but she’s actively working on getting healthier.

Look, I know we give Lizzo a hard time, and I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it. But making fun of a fat person at the gym is like making fun of a homeless person filling out job applications.

So kudos to Lizzo for — to quote South Park — starting to “give a f*ck.” And for having enough self awareness to make fun of herself with this year’s Halloween costume:

A good sport — unlike a certain Dutchess of Sussex.

But if those allegations that came out last year are true about Lizzo harassing her employees, then she still sucks. No matter how much weight she loses.

Snoop Dogg Crashes Party Bus

Not literally. When I first read that headline, the image in my head was of Snoop, utterly blitzed on the Devil’s Lettuce, driving a bus right into a guard rail.

You know, similar to — highly obscure reference incoming — Red the Bus Driver on National Lampoon’s Senior Trip.

If you’ve never seen that movie, go watch it. I quote it all the time, and no one ever knows what I’m talking about. Which is weird, because usually I’m the one who doesn’t understand movie references.

I digress. Anyway, imagine you’re out at your local Halloween bar crawl when suddenly Snoop Dogg hops on your party bus. Surprise! That’s exactly what happened to these people:

As a local of Nashville (where the party buses and pedal taverns obnoxiously rule the downtown roads every evening), I can confidently say that the only way you’d get me on one of those things these days is if Snoop was coming, too.

This reminds me of earlier this year when that Southwest Airlines flight attendant thought she met Snoop Dogg, but it was just a random dude.

A Dupe Dogg, if you will.

That would also be a great couple’s Halloween costume.