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NEW BRAUNFELS, TX — A large Venezuelan gang was completely wiped out this week after trying to take over a local Buc-ee’s location.

According to eyewitnesses, the gang, which was formerly based in Denver, had grown too confident after finding it incredibly easy to take over several apartment complexes. The violent criminals were soon put in their place when they marched on a Buc-ee’s, guns blazing, only to find themselves greeted by a world-class force of polite employees, roasted nuts, savory pulled pork, delicious fudge, and heavily armed Texans.

“They never knew what hit them,” recalled Shawn Erickson, who had stopped at the Buc-ee’s and saw the entire shootout. “They rolled up and tried to start pushing people around and take control of the place. The lead guy barely got half of his first sentence out of his mouth before somebody smoked him. I’m not sure what they expected. This isn’t Denver. All of the customers and half of the employees were armed.”

Word of the incident had already spread throughout the migrant criminal community, leading to what experts expected to be a drop in crime — at least around any Buc-ee’s location.

“These fellas better think twice,” said Fred Alcott, a local cattle rancher who claimed to have taken down at least six gang members himself. “Buc-ee’s may have the cleanest restrooms and the widest selection of jerky in the world, but when you mess with the bull, you get the horns. Horns of hot lead. God bless America.”

At publishing time, all Buc-ee’s locations had been declared safe zones from migrant crime.

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