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BETHEL — Two she-bears broke into a local market and mauled an employee this morning, reportedly summoned by the prophet Elisha because his co-worker was eating his morning bagel very loudly.

“You catch that meteor shower last nigh — ahhhhh!” Daniel, son of Jedidiah, began to say as a she-bear clawed his good bagel arm.

Authorities later confirmed the identity of the deceased by dental records.

According to sources, Elisha repeatedly asked his co-worker to stop chewing his morning bagel like a servant of Baal but was dismissed as uptight. “I asked nicely, but he just looked me in the eyes and chomped on his bagel,” Elisha later explained. “And I was like, ‘Rude!’ I’m not going to stand for that.”

Elisha was briefly detained by authorities for questioning, only being released after showing them his state-issued prophet’s license.

At publishing time, the manager of the downtown Bethel Market asked Elisha to warn him next time if he was going to summon any she-bears because it made the customers nervous.

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