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U.S. — Despite polling momentum swinging towards former President Trump, political pundits believe that Kamala Harris can still win the election if she can just remain completely unseen and unheard until November 6th.

“If they can just lock her in the basement with Joe, she has a shot,” said NBC analyst Chuck Todd. “Kamala’s favorability depends on people losing all memory of her voice, face, actions, and anything related to her in any way.”

With the race a statistical tie last week, Democrat strategists made the bold decision to have Kamala attempt talking to actual humans. “It was a big risk, having her open her mouth and speak,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. “It took approximately 30 seconds to realize we had made a huge mistake. I did not know how much I could hate listening to someone saying words. I regret everything.”

Though Kamala’s polling has slipped since she began her media tour, pundits believe the damage can be limited if no one ever hears from the candidate ever again. “The less people know about who they’re asking to run the country, the better,” explained Harrison. “It’s time to pull a Joe Biden 2020 special.”

At publishing time, aides had reportedly set out a trail of wine boxes to lead Kamala into the basement.

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