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With thousands of people still missing and countless more in desperate need of food, water, and assistance, you may be looking for ways to get help to victims of Hurricane Helene. But WAIT! First, you must sneak that aid past the ever-watchful eyes of FEMA so they don’t confiscate it.

The Babylon Bee has conducted extensive research to come up with the following list of surefire ways to smuggle humanitarian aid past FEMA:

  1. Inform them you simply need to stock the boys’ bathrooms with tampons: This is the kind of aid FEMA can really get behind.

  2. Disguise all of the insulin as puberty blockers: A basic human necessity.

  3. Hire a team of orthodox Jews from New York to dig an underground smuggling tunnel: It’s entirely possible that one already exists.

  4. Carry a Donald Trump scarecrow with you: Just watch all the government employees flee in terror.

  5. Label all of the boxes “Kamala Harris Ballots”: Surely FEMA knows all voting precincts are waiting on shipments of those.

  6. Create a diversion by having a meerkat and warthog dress in drag and do the hula: Works every time.

  7. Let all FEMA agents know that there’s a DEI training session starting back at base camp in 10 minutes: They never miss those!

  8. Fly a Ukrainian flag from your supply boat: No self-respecting U.S. government worker wants to keep President Zelensky from getting his supplies.

  9. Put on a poncho, sombrero, and fake mustache so they won’t stop you from going anywhere: “¡Hola! ¿Dónde está el huracán?”

  10. Tell FEMA all the supplies are for illegal migrants: FEMA knows who gets priority on all humanitarian supplies.

Getting much-needed supplies to hurricane victims is easy. All you have to do is use some good old-fashioned American ingenuity.

NOT SATIRE: EMERGENCY PREPAREDNESS 101

Here’s the first rule of emergencies: You have to prepare before the emergency. If a mob shows up outside your house, for example, you should already know how to either escape the scene or send the thugs running scared. If a blackout hits, you should have emergency power backup, flashlights, and off-grid cooking appliances.

Speaking of cooking, the most important emergency preparation of all is food. If you don’t have shelf-stable, nutritious food in your home… then you are NOT ready for an emergency. Because calories equal survival.

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