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PORTLAND, OR — Local drag queen Ronalda McDiva expressed frustration this week after trying to do a performance but there were no kids around so he had to go home and didn’t get to waggle his rear end in front of minors.

“Ugh. I’m so sad,” McDiva told friends. “I was all excited to perform and really ‘yaaas-queen’ it up but then I looked around and there were no kids to dance for and I just got sad and came home. If you can’t do drag in front of kids, what’s the point?”

McDiva walked the streets of Portland looking for kids before heading home and hanging up his wig in depression. He worried how his other drag queen friends would react when he told them he was unable to locate underage youths to perform his sexy routine for.

“What kind of drag queen am I? The whole point of this thing is to be as weird and gross in front of kids as possible. If a two-year-old isn’t trying to grab at your boa and yank on your fishnets, why even perform? I’m a failure,” McDiva lamented.

As of publishing time, McDiva reported finding a local public elementary school in Portland looking for a new principal and was thrilled to apply for the role and be hired on the spot.

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