As a Conservative Man, I’m Here to Praise Liberal Women

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If I were alive in the 1960s, I would’ve partied with the hippies and voted with the squares. No offense, but those hippies seem like fun — especially in old Polaroid photos (and grainy home movies) that shield you from getting a stiff whiff of their body odor.

“Conservative in the head, liberal in the bed” isn’t the worst life philosophy, you know. Maybe not the best, but definitely not the worst. Okay, sure: It lacks the panache of “Do onto others,” but it’s still a pretty good way to spend a Saturday night. 

(This is the kind of philosophy that will get you through college, young Simba. So huddle around the campfire; Uncle Scotty has a story to tell.)

Alas, with hyper-partisanship so entrenched in society, conservatives and liberals don’t date each other anymore. Eighty-four percent of college-educated liberal women deem it a red flag if you’re wearing a red hat. And 71% of single Democrats won’t even consider dating a Trump voter: Their bedroom is a no-fly zone. 

For all the clichés about politics making strange bedfellows, the days of Republicans and Democrats sharing the same bed are over.

Liberal women in their 20s and 30s are swearing off conservative men, and then they’re just swearing because they’re now middle-aged and single. Being a “childless cat lady” is kind of funny when you’re 23 or 24, but after you hit the big Four-Oh, its lifestyle allure goes the way of the dodo. There’s a reason why The New York Times ran a story, “Online Dating after 50 Can Be Miserable.” There’s a reason why romcoms are so popular with women. There’s a reason why women purchase 82% of all romance novels: It’s what women want. 

Thirty years ago, President George H. W. Bush’s campaign manager, Mary Matalin, married President Bill Clinton’s campaign manager, James Carville. It was a cute romantic story; Geena Davis and Michael Keaton even starred in “Speechless,” a 1994 movie inspired by their courtship. In the film, Keaton played the conservative, Davis the liberal. Although they were on opposite political sides, love conquered all.

Ain’t that the way it’s supposed to be?

In an interview with the late Roger Ebert, Keaton said he didn’t even consider “Speechless” to be a political movie. “…the film’s really not about that. There wasn’t any real research besides watching ‘The War Room.’ It’s a romantic comedy with a political backdrop; that’s all.”

In Keaton’s mind, love and politics are separate and distinct. It never even occurred to him that they’re joined at the hips! But then again, Keaton belongs to a different generation.

Today, “Speechless” would NEVER be greenlit. Not only isn’t it realistic anymore, but liberal women would also be howling with righteous indignation: “No self-respecting liberal woman would EVER date a misogynist, racist, homophobic, gun-toting conservative! BOO!” Liberals don’t believe in God, but if they did, dating a Trump voter would surely be a violation of His Divine commandments. That’s the greatest sin of all!

It’s a shame because liberals and conservatives are complementary products. Whether we want to admit it or not, we work better when paired together.

For example, conservatives can help liberals open jars — which they (desperately) need help with because they tend to be vegans with poor upper-body strength. And if you need any yardwork or have car trouble, if you don’t have a conservative on speed dial, you’re out of luck. 

And liberals can help conservatives, too: Have you ever seen a liberal woman switch to “Karen mode” when the restaurant is taking a wee bit too long to find you a table? Good Lord! In life, sometimes things don’t move until they’re pushed — and nobody’s pushier than a liberal woman. (Especially if she’s hungry. A hungry liberal woman turns into the Hulk.) 

Besides, being in a relationship with someone who’s exactly like you isn’t ideal either. When two people are identical, it means that one of them is redundant. (This is true in personal relationships, and it’s VERY true in business.) Instead, you should seek someone who’ll complement your strengths and offset your weaknesses, not someone who’s your carbon copy. The world already has one of you — and that’s plenty.

BTW, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but some of those liberal women are really cute. (And plenty of ‘em seem to have low standards, horrible self-esteem, and significant mental disorders, which usually works to our benefit.) Conservative women, however, have ethics, morality, and are less likely to frequent orgies, visit strip clubs, and get smashed at raves with a loser like you. So my advice to conservative men: You gotta stick your fishing poles in the water with the most fish! That’s how you play the game!

Otherwise, you’re left holding nothing but… bait.

Conservatives and liberals should date each other. (At least while we’re young and good-looking.) Later on, when it’s time to settle down and raise a family, sure — find a nice conservative lady to marry. But until then?

Let those liberal women learn what they’ve been missing.