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Gather round, boys and girls. I know it’s election season, and there’s a big Thursday Night Football game tonight. I know we’ve got wars going on in the Middle East, and inflation is putting us all on food stamps. 

I know there are more pressing matters going on all around us on this Second-Thursday-of-September, but this simply can’t wait. It can’t. I’m sorry. 

I need everyone to put aside the important stuff for just a minute – don’t worry, the economy will still stink when you get back – and really focus with me for just a few minutes. Lock in for just a second. 

Shannon Sharpe – the NFL Hall of Famer who is now an analyst at ESPN – *accidentally* live-streamed what sounded like an INTENSE few minutes of homemade sex last night to all of his – checks notes – 3.2 million Instagram followers. 

No. I’m not posting the video here. It’s all over the internet. Some folks say if you click here, you may be able to hear it. I don’t know. Give it a try, I guess. Your call. 

But, take my word for it. Hell, don’t take my word for it. You don’t even need to. 

After initially denying the video with the tried-and-true “I was hacked!” line, Sharpe went on his podcast last night and admitted to the world that what we all heard was very, very real. 

And very, very healthy:

Shannon Sharpe got the clicks with the sex

Hilarious. I’m sorry, but it’s all hilarious. And, frankly, BS on Shannon Sharpe’s part. 

Come on, dude. You can’t sit there and wax poetic for two minutes about how your heart sank and you called all your family members to apologize for your *accidentally* leaked sex tape – what a call to make! – and then in the next breath talk about how Michelle is gonna have to ice up. 

You can’t do that! It’s either-or, buddy. Either you’re sorry it was live-streamed, or you’re gonna brag about how hard you have sex. Those two things cannot work together. They just can’t. One or the other! And by the way, I’m not judging either one. 

If you want to live-stream a sex session and brag about it, knock yourself out. It’s America. You have freedoms. Not sure that’s what the founding fathers had in mind when they put pen to paper, but whatever. No judgment here. 

“My phone wasn’t hacked. It wasn’t a prank, it was me being a healthy, active male,” Shannon later added. “Y’all thought I was bulljiving, Unc get it in.”

Bulljiving!!! There’s a new one. That means to tease and/or hoax, for those not up to speed. You are welcome! 

So there you have it, folks. Shannon Sharpe was not bulljiving. That was really him going to pound-town on Instagram live yesterday afternoon. He claims it wasn’t meant for the internet, but I’m not sold on that one, either. 

It ain’t exactly a simple 1-2-3 to get something to go live on Instagram Live. Doesn’t work like that. It’s basically like trying to arm a nuclear warhead. There are like a billion steps you have to check off first before anything actually goes live. 

You’re telling me that, through all of Shannon’s aggressive love-making, his phone just happened to magically go through all the necessary steps to get to Instagram Live? 

Yeah, OK. Sure thing, buddy. Butt dial, my ass!

Let’s see how the internet has reacted to this bombshell sex video: