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LONDON — In an official response to the recent unrest in Great Britain, UK Prime Minister Kier Starmer has advised British citizens to avoid getting stabbed by just submitting to the Holy Koran and acknowledging Mohammed as the One True Prophet of Allah, peace be upon him.

In his address to the great British public, Starmer noted that it “really isn’t that hard” to not get stabbed, always providing that “one is a good Allah-fearing man and not an infidel.”

“I say, old chaps, just convert to Islam, what what?” Starmer reportedly said, gesturing towards a table where British government officials were handing out burkas and AK-47s. “If you don’t want to get stabbed, all you have to do is submit to the Koran and acknowledge Mohammed as Allah’s prophet. Really quite simple, chaps. I don’t see what all the trouble with the biznai is.”

Starmer’s advice seems to have been well-received among the British citizenry, as the BBC has reported even higher levels of mostly peacefulness from new converts during public demonstrations.

At publishing time, Starmer had also helpfully told British women that all they had to do to not get raped in broad daylight in London was quit their jobs, stay home all of the time, and wear burkas.

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