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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The most popular American president in human memory was “incredibly bummed” to realize that he could have stayed in the presidential race if he had just not answered questions or not talked to reporters.

According to sources within the White House, Biden was incredibly crestfallen to hear that he had fallen for the elementary blunders of talking to the press and attempting to answer their questions.

“Wha…did that broad just get my place — you know, the thing — by not talking to the press?” Biden reportedly stuttered in frustration. “Like, well…come on, Jack! I only had one job and I blew it…well…anyway. Give me a break, man! What’s her name again? Hairy camel-something? Someone gimme an ice cremetrufddlee!”

Informants close to Jill Biden report that “the Doc” took the revelation particularly hard as well.

“She heard that all he would have had to do is shut up for a few months and she kinda lost it,” said one, who spoke under condition of anonymity. “It really threw her for a loop. She started screaming something about the best laid plans of mice and men and weeping sorrowfully on various pieces of furniture in the Oval Office. It was weird.”

At publishing time, Biden had also been disappointed to learn that he might have been able to assume the presidency during his tenure as VP if he had just slept with the boss, too.

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