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PARIS — With controversy continuing to rage over which athletes ought to be allowed to compete as women in the Olympics, the IOC has brought in renowned expert Matt Walsh to determine what a woman is.

“Who could be better?” asked IOC President Thomas Bach. “The man has spent literally years walking across the globe trying to determine what, precisely, constitutes a woman.”

Any athlete whose eligibility for entering female competition comes into question will appear before Walsh, who will serve as the final arbiter. “Walsh’s methods are admittedly unorthodox, but effective,” said IOC spokesman Dan Gold. “There are no blood tests, no cheek swabs. The first person who came in, Walsh just doubled over laughing and said, ‘You think you’re passing for a lady?? Hahahaha get out of here, you big oaf.’ The next one, Walsh kicked in the nuts. The third one who just came in, he’s having the athlete make him a sandwich. We’re still waiting for Walsh to finish eating the sandwich and deliver his judgment.”

While effective at rendering gender judgments, the IOC bringing in Walsh has not been without controversy. “Walsh has also taken it upon himself to go to the women’s gymnastics meets and scream ‘MIDGET!’ at all the athletes under four feet ten inches tall,” said Bach. “While technically true, it’s caused a bit of a ruckus. He also showed up at the men’s gymnastics meet one evening and every time a guy mounted the pommel horse he would yell ‘GAY!’. We’ve had a lot of complaints.”

At publishing time, Walsh had reportedly been kicked out of an Olympics soccer match for yelling things about a guy flopping that we at the Babylon Bee cannot in good conscience put in print.

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