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MENOMONIE, WI — In a tragic turn of events, former youth pastor Chad Bradson was forced to resign in disgrace after losing a Mountain Dew chugging contest to teenager at a youth group movie night last week.

According to members of the youth group, Bradson had put up a stunning performance, chugging approximately four and a half liters of Mountain Dew from the 16-gallon keg the church keeps in the basement. Tragically, however, Bradson’s efforts were not quite enough to edge out eighth-grader Michael “Waterbuffalo” Trees, who demolished Bradson by quaffing six entire liters of Mountain Dew Code Red without stopping.

“He came to me with tears in his eyes,” recalled John Lambert, the senior pastor at Bradson’s church. “He silently placed a resignation letter in my hands, then went back to the youth room to give the foosball table one last caress before saying goodbye forever.”

“It’s going to be really difficult to replace him,” Lambert continued, reaching for a tissue. “Who else is going to be able to destroy a dozen teens at Halo 2 while balancing a can of soda on his knee, chomping down on a piece of pizza, and asking the kids, ‘Master Chief may have overcome Gravemind in Halo, but how often do you consider the Master who overcame the Grave in real life?'”

Teens in the youth group say that Bradson was “absolutely heartbroken” by the loss. According to members of the church, however, Bradson will still be attending services. The youth group is prayerfully awaiting Trees’ release from the ER.

At publishing time, Bradson had reapplied for his position as youth pastor after singlehandedly carrying his team to victory during the church flag football playoffs.

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