10 Easy Ways to Get Rid of Mormons On Your Porch

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Everyone has been there: crouching behind the front door desperately pretending that you’re not home as the polite cyclists outside pound the doorbell with a leather-bound Book of Mormon. The experience can be harrowing.

Thankfully, it’s now easier than ever to get rid of those pesky LDS missionaries on your front porch. The Babylon Bee conducted extensive research to compile the following list of 10 easy, sure-fire ways to banish Mormons from your porch:

Douse yourself in Coca-Cola and R-rated movies before opening the door: It’s a time-tested defense.
Move to Europe where there are no Mormons: It’s genius — you can’t get Mormons on your porch if there aren’t Mormons in your country.
Immediately upon opening the door, shout “Falcon PUNCH!”: You may have to charge it up for a couple of seconds, but it’ll do the trick.
Tell them your religion only permits people with long-sleeved shirts to enter your house: Then say, “So sorry — I’d have loved to invite you two in otherwise.”
Say “Hey, look over there — is that the angel Moroni bearing some golden plates hot off the presses?”: No Mormon can resist a fresh batch of golden plates.
Inform them you already rule your own planet: It may not be one of the high-profile, impressive planets, but you’re totally content with it.
Offer them a nice cup of fully caffeinated tea: They’ll flee in terror.
Say “Oh, I’m already a Mormon. Two Nephi, am I right?”: Then close the door and hope they go away.
Release the bees: Finally, a good use for your hive of porch bees.
Convert them to Christianity: This move virtually guarantees they’ll never knock on another person’s door again.