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STEUBENVILLE, OH — Sources within the Linderman household report that the family had to summon a priest to exorcise a load of demons out of their HP Deskjet 3755.

According to Francis Linderman, it had been clear that the Deskjet was diabolically inclined for several weeks before the Lindermans sent for a priest.

“It would print double-sided, but only flipping on the long edge,” Francis recalled, shuddering. “While it was printing, it would emit these terrible shrieks and a little steam would come out. Then it would stop working, only to mysteriously kick back on at 3 AM. We tried everything — rebooting the printer, rebooting our computer, unplugging it and holding it upside-down, replacing the printer cartridge….all to no avail. At last, we decided to bring in our priest and have him cast out whatever malevolent spirits possessed the darn thing.”

Reportedly, Father Rudolph had come quickly when summoned, then shook his head when he saw the printer. “I see this all the time,” he muttered, according to Thérèse Linderman. “These darn HP’s.”

Father Rudolph allegedly said a prayer in the name of Christ and sprinkled the printer with holy water while muttering exorcism rites in Latin. Unfortunately, the printer responded by giving up the ghost and was unable to be resuscitated.

At publishing time, the Lindermans had called Father Rudolph back for another exorcism after the demons fled to the dishwasher and water started backing up in the sink.

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